Wednesday, September 01, 2010

the gravity of paris

If you despair that normal rules don't seem to apply to the very rich, take heart in the fact that this doesn't always work to their advantage, for I can not imagine how the laws of gravity you and I live with made this happen:

from a press report:
[Paris] Hilton was arrested inside the Wynn resort, where a police lieutenant reported a small plastic bag containing 0.8 grams of cocaine fell into his hand when Hilton reached for a tube of lip balm in a purse.

Somehow that (alleged) bag fell up from her purse, fell horizontally out the window of the automobile in the hotel parking lot she was sitting in, and then continued to fall straight into the hand of the officer who was outside the car testing her boyfriend for DUI at the time.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

my fine scaled friend

This morning I found a lizard treading water inside the bucket I put under my air conditioner to catch condensation.

I pulled him out and put him on the ground figuring he'd scram but he ran up on my shoe instead and wouldn't leave no matter how much I tried to direct him to an obvious escape route.

So I put my hand down and he crawled on board and stayed there long enough for me to go in the house, find my camera, find some batteries, find the memory card and go back outside to take these pictures.

Thanks for visiting, Mr. Lizard, and have a good life!

Friday, June 18, 2010

not the fox and the hound

I just watched an animated feature that had to be an absolute nightmare to direct.

It allowed no comic relief, nor amusing animal sidekicks, nor even squash and stretch. Every line of dialog had to be said with either deep reverence or snarling cynicism.

And on top of that the main characters could never be shown on screen or even heard speaking. It was rather like watching a movie about the Invisible Man... if the Invisible Man had stayed in his trailer for the entire shooting schedule.

Friday, June 11, 2010

man vs. elements

I've watched two of Robert Flaherty's famous documentary features. Somehow, in "Man of Aran" (1934) he's managed to make living in Ireland look even more bleak and hopeless than living at the north pole did in "Nanook of the North" (1922).

Friday, June 04, 2010

if i were china...

... i'd invite North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il and his government to some sort of friendship and solidarity gathering. After they arrive, announce that they've all decided to retire to the Gobi desert to pursue their long-neglected interest in dinosaur fossils and that they ask everyone to respect their desire for complete and perpetual privacy in this endeavor.

Then give North Korea to South Korea. Within a year the South Koreans will start agitating for the US to pull its forces out. With the North Korean threat gone and with money tight, the US would just about have to.

Two problems solved for China.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

tight pencil. really tight.

Martin Hash was kind enough to give me some items from his collection of animatia. This is an animation drawing from the Disney TV series "Duck Tales".

I'm marveling at the microscopic precision of it all because the figure (Huey? Dewey? Louis?) is only about an inch across on the paper and yet it would have to withstand being blown up to at least television size. Some of the lines you see here are separated by maybe a hundredth of an inch?

Someone with very sharp eyes and a very sharp pencil was at work. A Chinese someone, I presume, as there is Chinese writing elsewhere on the page.

Update: After consulting the layout page that came with this I have ascertained that this duck is not Huey, not Louis, but Dewey.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

it's jonny quest's fault 2

I saw something last night I thought didn't exist... an episode of Jonny Quest I had never seen before.

A few scenes from "Pirates from Below"...

What are you staring at? It's a submarine. It's just a submarine! It doesn't look like anything else!

This must be how the Reverend George Rekers got that hernia he needed surgery for.

Mmmm.... Rayce!

Is it possible this episode was not as frequently re-run as the ones about pterodactyls and volcanoes?

Saturday, May 08, 2010

your australian accent may be too thick if...

... you and your seeing-eye "guide dog" are barred from a restaurant because they thought you said "gay dog"... and you're IN AUSTRALIA.

'Gay dog' refused entry to Adelaide restaurant

There's an Abbot and Costello routine in there somewhere.

Friday, April 23, 2010

form fails function

From the New York Times report on the Milan Furniture Fair... a magazine rack:

1) Won't that look great when it has magazines piled on it?

2) Aside from your dentist, who keeps enough magazines around to need a rack for them?

It's a bit like haute coture fashion shows where they dress models up in stuff no sane person would actually wear.

Monday, April 19, 2010

burning the beatles

You probably think the Vatican's recent pardon of the Beatles seems rather quaint and out-of-touch.

But back in the 60's parents and authority figures everywhere were seriously panicked over The Beatles.

One day when I was about seven or eight I went down the street to visit my friend Lori. She was a year or two older than I and very much into everything that was hip and groovy and rock and roll. On this occasion I found her sitting on the floor of her room with all her records (a disc-shaped audio format that preceded the CD), very unhappy.

"The President has passed a law, and now it's against the law to listen to Beatles records and my dad says we have to burn them all tonight or we'll go to jail."

I had no idea they were that dangerous. I knew The Beatles had a cartoon on Saturday mornings but in our house we only had records of Handel's Messiah and folk singers like Burl Ives so I wasn't well-versed in them. I do recall that when I had asked my mother for a record of "I Want to Hold Your Hand" she vetoed that because it was "not a very nice song". So my first impression was only that this new legislation wouldn't affect us much.

I don't know how long Lori's dad got away with this deception. Maybe a week of no Beatles records played in the house before Lori noticed that none of her friends had been shipped off to internment camps.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

we have a winner

Ladies and gentlemen... the direct mail advertising brochure image most likely to make me never want to buy a product.

I don't know if Time-Warner Cable thinks that is how I view myself, or if they think that is what I want to come to my home and install Time-Warner Cable, but I do feel better now about not having cable.

Monday, April 12, 2010

no names please

Russian President Medvedev goes for the extra point while commenting about Obama:

He's (a) very comfortable partner, it's very interesting to be with him. The most important thing that distinguishes him from many other people – I won't name anyone by name – he's a thinker, he thinks when he speaks. Which is already pretty good.

Someone - I won't name anyone by name - won't be getting a Christmas card from George and Laura this year.

But I can see Sarah Palin shrewdly remixing this to her advantage. Her 2012 anti-Obama campaign will promote her "not a thinker" image.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

my proposal for a palestinian-israeli settlement

All the current focus is on trying to hammer out a two-state solution. The problem with that is no matter where the border goes, both sides are going to be disappointed that some portion is permanently out of reach. Also, there has been a de facto two-state setup in place since the 1967 war. How well has that worked? Calling the Palestinian part a country and planting a flag there won't solve much.

I'm proposing a one-state solution. That is not a new idea, a number of optimistic individuals have been floating such for years.

This is my version.

The most-mentioned problem with a one-state scheme is that the Arab population will eventually outnumber the Jewish population, win control of the government and pass laws detrimental to the Jews.

That demographic trend is a likely one, and the example the Israeli government has set in dealing with the Arab minority under their jurisdiction is not uniformly bright. Something other than pure, electoral free-for-all is needed:

We'll divide the new unified country into, say, 100 parliamentary single member districts. They are all gerrymandered so that no district is more than 60% Arab or Jew.

In the first election cycle, all the even-numbered districts must elect a Jewish representative and all the odd-numbered districts must elect an Arab. In the next election cycle, every district switches. Even-numbered elects Arabs, Odd-numbered elects Jews. This doesn't mean they'll only have one candidate on their ballot each time; both Arabs and Jews present several political parties.

In an elect-a-Jew year, even majority Arab districts will have to elect a Jewish rep and in elect-an-Arab year even majority Jewish districts will have to elect an Arab.

My expectation is that by eliminating Arab vs. Jew contests the population will gravitate toward more moderate, can't-we-all-just-get-along candidates. With several Jewish candidates on the ballot, a Jewish candidate will likely have to court Arab votes to get over the 50% mark even in a majority Jewish district. After the election the winning Jewish candidate will have to account for Arab constituent concerns if he hopes to win next time he runs.

Because the district is guaranteed to elect a Jew of some sort, the Jews in that district will not need to vote as a bloc out of fear of "the other side" winning. The Arabs in that district won't need to vote as a bloc either; what would be the point? Politics will organize along more practical issues like taxes, the environment, sex scandals...

And vice-versa in districts scheduled to elect an Arab.

Initially, election cycles would be short, perhaps a year, so even though all winning reps will not be eligible to run in the very next election (because of the required Arab/Jewish switch), the election after that, in which they will be eligible, is only one more year away. This prevents them from regarding their term in office as a lame-duck situation and disregarding the concerns of their voting constituents.

These short terms will allow the population at large to quickly see that the sun still rises in the east and that water still flows downhill no matter who is in office.

It's also entirely possible that non-ethnic parties will form, like the Green Party, that have suitable Arab or Jewish candidates available for each election, offering continuity from one cycle to the next, even though the actual person serving is not the same.

Won't this plan consistently result in a 50-50-stalemate in the parliament?

Possibly, but most practical issues in this new country are not Arab/Jew divisions. They are bread and butter issues like where to build roads and schools, who to tax, water management, economic development...

Coalitions beyond simple Arab-Jewish lines will form to get things done.

This alternation plan would continue for 50 years. For 50 years neither Arabs nor Jews need to worry about being an electoral minority. After 50 years the most extreme actors will have passed from the stage and people who do not know the current conflict will have grown up to take their place.

In the fiftieth year we begin to unwind the ethnic mandate. One Arab-majority district and one Jewish-majority will be converted to simple anyone-can-run status. In the next year, two more districts will be converted. I expect that before the next 50 years elapses we will have run out of Arab and Jewish majority district pairs, but we will continue converting two districts at a time. The overall effect is to push the minority's loss of guaranteed seats out to the latest possible time.

Obvious questions:

How will a "President" be elected?

This country will be a parliamentary democracy so the elected MPs will choose a Prime Minister. Electing a President at-large would be divisive at the outset. For the first 50 years the role of a head-of-state in such a country will be performed by an international panel, perhaps one delegate each from Russia, Europe, the Arab League and the USA. Each of these has significant ties to the people in Israel and Palestine and each has expressed serious desire to reach a settlement.

This head of state panel would have oversight powers over law enforcement in the new country to make sure it is fairly applied.

If this sounds like babysitting, it is.

After 50 years, a President could be elected at-large.

Who can live where?

It would be like the US. Anyone can live anywhere they can afford to buy a home or rent an apartment. Hopefully with 50 years of stability the economic state of the Palestinians will have risen.

What about Palestinian refugees currently in other countries?

Part of the plan is a regional settlement granting Palestinian refugees full citizenship in the country they are currently residing in. Most of them have been born and raised in these countries, like Lebanon or Syria or Jordan, and might well prefer to stay with what they know, especially if they had the full rights of citizens.

They could also choose to forgo that citizenship offer and return to the territory of the new country. Palestinians who still have legal titles to homes in what is now Israel would probably want to make this move and they could pursue their claim in the courts. Some internationally-funded financial assistance would be needed to ease the displacement of current Israelis who would have to give up land or to compensate Palestinians who would prefer to not physically retake the land.

What if Jewish extremists assassinated all the Arab candidates running in their district? Or vice-versa?

First, that's a crime that would be prosecuted and punished like any other murder. But were it to happen, an electoral commission would allot that vote in the parliament to whatever party won that district.

What if a candidate weren't really the Arab or Jew they claimed to be?

All candidate have to be party members so fake Jews or Arabs would be sniffed out pretty quickly by their parties. A party devoted to secretly fielding Manchurian candidates would be unlikely to be able to organize on a national level.

What about the people who are neither "Arab" nor "Jew"?

I've been using "Arab" and "Jew" rather simplistically here. There are a certain number of Arabs who are not Islamic but are Christians. There are also some Christians who are not Arabs (Greek Orthodox descended, for example).

For candidacy purposes, Arab Christians could run as "Arab" and non-Arab Christians would run as "Jews" for the first 50 years. That seems to be the way they are aligned currently. Once their district has been converted to anyone-can-run status it wouldn't matter anymore.

For voting purposes, anyone can always vote any way they want, of course.

What would this new country be called?

"Bob" would work.

How do you get them to agree to this?

At this point it's clear they're never going to agree to anything. This settlement would be imposed by the regional and world powers.

They'll never be able to live together in one country.

That wasn't a question! None-the-less, there is some success in Israel now with Arabs and Jews living together. There are a substantial number of Arabs who are Israeli citizens now, who serve in The Israeli armed forces now and serve in the the parliament now and are active in civic life now. It could possibly work.

And as I noted before, two states separated with a wall in between is not tenable. If it were no one would be trying to find a "solution" today.

How will we trigger the apocalypse to hear the seventh trumpet to raise the beast of the sea to cast into the lake of fire if Israel doesn't fulfill Biblical prophecy by resuming animal sacrifice on the Temple Mount?

Well, you got me on that one. In the meantime, could you put that lake of fire out? Brimstone makes my eyes itch.

What qualification do you have to devise a peace plan?

None, but the qualified people's track record isn't any better than mine so far.

Friday, April 02, 2010

things to not do at your DUI arrest

I had jury duty yesterday and today. A young woman was charged with Driving Under the Influence.

Based on the testimony we heard in court and the video of her arrest we watched, here are my observations on what does not work well if you've been pulled over by the police:

If the cop asks you to recite the alphabet, do not ask to use the Russian alphabet.

If he asks when you last ate, do not say "two days ago".

If he asks what you ate at that time, do not say "nothing".

Then, don't volunteer, "That's why I get drunk so fast!"

If you ask the officer a question and he says he doesn't know the answer, don't keep repeating the same question.

And at your trial, don't laugh when this video is replayed.

Her defense attorney didn't have much to work with. He did all he could to suggest the Field Sobriety Test had been less than perfectly administered. But that wasn't a deal killer. It did not create "reasonable doubt" that she had been driving while intoxicated which, after seeing all the evidence, we decided she had been.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

neither A nor B nor B nor A

This is almost April-Fools-worthy...

Have you ever wondered about famous band reunion tours that don't reunite all the old band members?

The Dallas Symphony is currently promoting what they say it is "the most authentic ABBA show to date", an ABBA concert that brings together zero of the four signature ABBA members.

Whatever could the less authentic shows have been like? Muppets?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

knitting an afghan out of nothing at all

I think one of the most artful bits of Presidential speech I've heard recently was when Obama found a way to glide over the fact that our man in Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, had obviously stolen his most recent election.

"Though marred by fraud, that election produced a government consistent with Afghanistan's laws and constitution."

Which is basically saying that if it at least has the title of a government, we'll take it.

Gee, if George Bush had said that about Saddam Hussein and his 99.99% election victories it could have saved us a mistake war.

Monday, March 29, 2010

what would jesus design?

Crackpots make the lamest websites. "Hutaree" is a christian militia the FBI raided over the weekend.
(probably not appropriate for work)

Update: Their website seems to be disappearing already.

Short story, it was an ugly mash of "camo" background and bad page design.

Their organization has ranks:













I was sure a Zulif outranked a Radok. That shows how deluded I've been.

Friday, March 26, 2010

super squirrel

If you're gonna be a squirrel you better be in shape.

Found on the web:

The squirrels in my yard aren't quite so ambitious. They've gotten fat on abundant acorns that fall from the sky. But now I'm tempted to set up a red, rocket-shaped roller coaster for them.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

11 is the new 22

When Presidents sign something really big they sign each letter with a different pen and give them to key participants as souvenirs. I've been wondering how he got through 22 pens on just "Barack Obama". It looks like he broke the "O" into five or six parts.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt and George Herbert Walker Bush were born for such occasions.

Someday we should have a President named Winchester Jamison Clarke Barrington-Smythefield-Hickenlooper IV and then we could all get a pen.

History doesn't record who received the ceremonial pens that got us into the Iraq War, but I'm sure they are proudly displayed on the mantle next to the gun they shoot their hunting partners with.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

for luck

The caption of this photo was "President Barack Obama holds a lucky charm given to him during the campaign, while on the phone with a Member of Congress in the Oval Office, March 21, 2010. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)"

I believe the image on the lucky charm appears to be...

..."Bee Gees" lead singer Barry Gibb.

Monday, March 22, 2010

die meisterstücker

I don't know if the Germans get as frazzled about English phrases popping up in their language as the French do, but I'm always jarred when i see it.

"Barack Obamas Last-Minute Meisterstück"

(Meisterstück = Masterpiece)

Perhaps the Germans are so efficient and organized that they never needed to develop a native phrase for "last-minute".

"Gesundheits-Coup" is kind of weird too.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

out of season

Snow in Texas in Spring.

This has probably ruined the peachtree blossoms, so no peaches this year.

Friday, March 19, 2010

if i don't do it, who will?

The only positive thing about baking your own birthday cake is you don't have to fight anybody to lick the spoon.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

convenience food

These are the steps to prepare the "Banquet Chicken Nugget Meal":

- Cut and remove film cover from chicken nuggets and macaroni & cheese but not the corn.
- Remove chicken nuggets.
- Microwave on HIGH 1½ minutes.
- Replace chicken nuggets.
- Stir macaroni & cheese.
- Microwave 1½ to 2 minutes.
- Let stand 2 minutes.
- Stir macaroni & cheese.
- Check that product is cooked thoroughly. Internal temperature needs to reach 165°F as measured by a food thermometer.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

another one from the bucket list

I put in a new garbage disposal today, all by myself.

And it's not just any garbage disposal... it's a "WasteKing" garbage disposal!

The old one had rusted out. For a couple years I got by with cutting out strips of plastic from a milk jug and gluing that over the holes. But it got so rusted that there wasn't much holding the bottom to the top.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

rabbit rant

This is a Bugs Bunny Model sheet!

From 1943!

By Robert McKimson!

Follow it exactly!

It's all important!

You know that because every note on it ends in an exclamation mark!


Save it for the Germans, OK?

Monday, March 08, 2010

different than you and i...

In an NY Times article about The National Enquirer's recent brush with journalism, an Enquirer editor says their coverage of the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter affair showed that the wealthy "have the same types of problems that [ordinary people] have in real life."

Yes, I am endlessly plagued by attractive, talented, much younger documentary filmmakers who want to sleep with me. I'm sure you are too.

Friday, February 26, 2010

peter graves sighting?

This looks like the scene they always had at the end of the classic "Mission:Impossible" television show, just as Agent Jim Phelps reaches up to rip off his latex mask and the bad guys realize they've been tricked into revealing their evil plan to keep the middle class from buying anything other than junk health insurance that won't actually cover them when they get sick.

I wish this were all just a bad TV show where the problem gets solved in 53 minutes.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

unnatural acts

With all the talk of repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", a lot of people are wondering what will happen if two men get in bed together.

It's sort of like this...

... but without the trombone.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

75 is the new 100

An article in the NY Times reports that some biologists have discovered bees can recognize faces.

After several hours’ training, the bees picked the right faces about 75 percent of the time...

They went on to suggest that this knowledge might be used to improve "airport security".

Lets see... a swarm of bees at the airport who are right about 75% of the time.

Nothing could go wrong with that.

Monday, February 01, 2010

five is the new eleven

In New York magazine, New York Times columnist Tom Friedman explains why he didn't like it when his online column was kept behind a paying-subscribers-only wall:

“What was coming to me anecdotally from my travels was the five worst words that as a columnist you ever want to hear: ‘I used to read you before you went behind the wall.’”

This proficiency with numbers may explain a lot in the newspaper business today.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

the short list you don't want to be on

If I told you our government has a list of American citizens to be killed, you'd say "crazy wingnut conspiracy talk!"

Well, here you go...

From a recent news report

As part of the operations, Obama approved a Dec. 24 strike against a compound where a U.S. citizen, Anwar al-Aulaqi, was thought to be meeting with other regional Al-Qaida leaders. Although he was not the focus of the strike and was not killed, he has since been added to a short list of U.S. citizens specifically targeted for killing or capture by the JSOC, military officials said.

I guess the "or capture" part makes it OK, but it doesn't sound like their first choice.

I hope that list is more accurately put together than the do-not-fly list.

Friday, January 15, 2010

high-voltage entertainment

It's either Martian tripods attacking or some sort of electrical problem up on that utility pole behind my house.

It was doing this for about ten minutes. I think I caught the best one.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

today's anatomy lesson

From the stuff-they-didn't-tell-me-in-junior-high-school-health-class department:

I had no idea.