Sunday, October 01, 2006

Congressional Pages



A new exhibit for the museum of lame pick-up lines:

(52 year-old Congressman to 17 year-old page) "I am just finished riding my bike on a 25 mile journey now heading to the gym..."

Note to middle-aged men everywhere: No 17 year-old is going to be impressed by you chugging out 25 miles on a bicycle, especially since he just got his drivers license and intends not to be caught dead on a bicycle for the rest of his life.


But Hooray! After 23 years of careful storage we can bring this joke out again...
#1: Did you hear Representative Foley was banned from the Library of Congress?

#2: No, why?

#1: He kept bending over the pages.


Of course, this has been a problem since the time of the ancient Greeks and will continue to be as long as status-hungry parents keep sending their children to live under the eye of older men who imagine they aren't getting as much as they think they should be getting:

I'm seeing this deliberation.

"Oh, Clarisse... it seems Blake Jr. has been invited to assume a position as a "page" with a group of middle-aged men in Washington DC. Although the job pays nothing, he will be expected to be at their service whenever they call him."

"Hot damn! That was fast! I just sent his head shots out last week. The Smiths will turn green with envy when they hear this. Especially since George Smith mentioned that he had been a page when he was in high school."

"And listen to this Clarisse... as proof of their high moral standard, this group of middle-aged men points to their recent passage of a bill legalizing sexual assault, humiliation and abuse in the treatment of foreign prisoners. We can't miss this opportunity to have men like these shaping our son's ethics and judgement!"

"That's right, Blake! Hmmm... I wonder why the Smiths didn't have their boy apply for this?"


Actually, I think this page program can be saved. Just send ugly kids to be pages. The fat ones, the ones with greasy hair, the ones with zits the size of an eyeball. We've known since the computer age that those are the real thinkers, the real idea people.

But I suppose clear thinking and ideas aren't what congressmen are hunting for.

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